Category: Gary Smalley

“If I expect something other than God to fill me, I feel frustration, worry, and other negative emotions. But as soon as I redirect my affections toward God, He begins filling me with the gifts that come from His Spirit… God placed deep within you an affinity for a connectedness with… It is in relationship with God that you and I find meaning, purpose, significance, completeness, inner power, peace, joy, and a relational sense of belonging. In short, there is no dream, need, aspiration, or anything else that you will ever desire that He can’t meet. Period. Why? Because the almighty God of the universe created us in His likeness with the express purpose of having us know and connect to Him so intimately that we become more and more like Him…”

“Your promise to be filled with God helps your mate. It takes the pressure off of him to be the one who must meet many of your needs. The pressure of having someone depending heavily on you for something you can’t ever fulfill can be devastating… We are not designed to meet the deepest needs of each other. To depend on others for what God only is meant to supply puts impossible pressures on a relationship. Your mate can’t live up to that kind of expectation, and to continue to expect such fulfillment will only cause disappointment.”

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“Honor is not really honor until it is expressed and demonstrated. Those positive emotions for your mate that you hold in your heart must somehow find their way out through your mouth… You honor your wife by treating her as if she were the most valuable creature on the planet. You honor your husband by treating him as if you were the luckiest woman in the world for snaring him… This means you are attentive to her needs or sensitive to his moods. It means that you continually put your mate first and seek the best for him in all situations.”

— Gary Smalley, “I Promise”, Kindle locations 459, 496, 498
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“That’s the kind of promise you made when you launched your marriage. It was built into your wedding vows. You promised to love and cherish your mate ‘for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.’ That was your first married promise, it was not conditional. It had no term limits or expiration date. It was meant to remain in effect from that moment until one or both of you leave this earth for the kingdom of heaven. That promise was meant to provide a solid base of security for your marriage. Whatever happens, you have promised to love your husband or your wife. It doesn’t matter whether you get upset with each other. It doesn’t matter if you get bored with the routine. It doesn’t matter if the money you expected is not there. It doesn’t matter if either of you loses your attractiveness, turns grumpy, sour, or uncommunicative, gets a debilitating illness, or falls into deep depression. You will love him. You will cherish her. You promised. And that promise gives your marriage security.”

Gary Smalley, “I Promise”, Kindle location 278
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“When one mate shows high honor to the other, the recipient of that honor feels secure in the marriage and responds accordingly by reciprocating in many positive ways… If you choose to look only at your mate’s shortcomings, he or she may not seem to deserve honor. But that has nothing to do with it. Honor is not earned; it’s a gift. It isn’t purchased by your mate’s actions or contingent on your own emotions. You give honor because you choose to give it, whether or not it’s deserved or even wanted. It’s a decision you make. You just do it.”

— Gary Smalley, “I Promise”, Kindle locations 366, 380
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“Regardless of how hard a person may try, deep, emotionally-based, intimate, best-friend-type of relationships only happen when you feel safe and secure in the presence of the other… When you feel safe, you automatically open up and share more and more of your deepest self. As you continue opening up, the best-friend relationship begins to happen naturally.”

“Security will never happen in any marriage until partners get over their natural resistance to openness with each other. Why do we have this resistance? Because openness makes us vulnerable, and vulnerability means risk. We’re not quite sure what our spouse will say or do when we truly open up, or how he or she may use what we reveal. What will he think when I dare to reveal this long-hidden truth about myself? What will she say when I tell her what I’ve done? Will he laugh or ridicule me when I reveal to him what I’m thinking? When you risk you can lose…”

“When the risk involves the impairment of a vital relationship, the loss can be devastating. This is why so many marriage partners pull back from connection and intimacy. Usually it’s an attempt to avoid being hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, or simply being made uncomfortable by the prospect of complete openness. We have a natural tendency to avoid risk…”

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Gary Smalley, “I Promise”, Kindle location 133, 136, 157

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